Like every fourteen year old boy I obviously had my curiosities about what alcohol did to you as a person.
I remember growing up and being at family events; whether it was during the festival at my Granny’s home in Dungloe or Christmas time in my own house when aunts and uncles were all present, people seem to really enjoy themselves when they were having a drink. So from my childhood I always associated taking a drink with having a good time.
I am the middle child in a family of three, and growing up I always felt that I didn’t really have too much to offer in my family apart from the fact that I could always make people laugh. I remember my mother and father always used to get me to do impressions of my teachers at school this, I suppose, did give me a great sense of importance in the fact that I was able to make them laugh. As a person however I was a very deep thinker, and I was also a very emotional person who took a lot of what happened in my childhood very seriously.
As I reached my teenage years I started to resent a lot of things about myself and I didn’t really like the person I was, from the way I looked to the way I felt on the inside. I can remember thinking that I was never going to be attractive to the opposite sex because I was ugly. I also didn’t have an awful lot of confidence in myself and I very quickly learned to mask this by becoming the loudest and the most daring among my peers so they wouldn’t see my flaws. I can always remember experiencing a lot of fear and not really knowing what I was afraid of.
At fourteen I had my first experience of alcohol, and the only way I can describe this is, “Oh My God! What a feeling this is - exactly what I have been looking for”. All my fears, resentments, insecurities and inadequacies disappeared. I felt on top of the world and I was definitely having the ‘time of my life’.
Little did I know that this experience would prove to be the start of a rollercoaster of pain and heartache that in hindsight, if I had of known what was going to happen, I would never have started in the first place. Right away I started a love affair with alcohol and then moved on to taking drugs as the buzz of escaping from everyday problems was just far too appealing.
I remember growing up and being at family events; whether it was during the festival at my Granny’s home in Dungloe or Christmas time in my own house when aunts and uncles were all present, people seem to really enjoy themselves when they were having a drink. So from my childhood I always associated taking a drink with having a good time.
I am the middle child in a family of three, and growing up I always felt that I didn’t really have too much to offer in my family apart from the fact that I could always make people laugh. I remember my mother and father always used to get me to do impressions of my teachers at school this, I suppose, did give me a great sense of importance in the fact that I was able to make them laugh. As a person however I was a very deep thinker, and I was also a very emotional person who took a lot of what happened in my childhood very seriously.
As I reached my teenage years I started to resent a lot of things about myself and I didn’t really like the person I was, from the way I looked to the way I felt on the inside. I can remember thinking that I was never going to be attractive to the opposite sex because I was ugly. I also didn’t have an awful lot of confidence in myself and I very quickly learned to mask this by becoming the loudest and the most daring among my peers so they wouldn’t see my flaws. I can always remember experiencing a lot of fear and not really knowing what I was afraid of.
At fourteen I had my first experience of alcohol, and the only way I can describe this is, “Oh My God! What a feeling this is - exactly what I have been looking for”. All my fears, resentments, insecurities and inadequacies disappeared. I felt on top of the world and I was definitely having the ‘time of my life’.
Little did I know that this experience would prove to be the start of a rollercoaster of pain and heartache that in hindsight, if I had of known what was going to happen, I would never have started in the first place. Right away I started a love affair with alcohol and then moved on to taking drugs as the buzz of escaping from everyday problems was just far too appealing.
This, however, destroyed whatever positive relationships I had in my life and only left me feeling more inadequate, more insecure, less confident and I began to hate myself more and more as it went on. At seventeen/eighteen years of age I was in the middle of full- blown addiction and it wasn’t getting any better. This was until one day after I was just coming off a full weekend of binging an aunt who had been through treatment asked me if I would like to go and speak to a counsellor. I agreed to this and I can honestly say that this day was the first day of my really having the ‘time of my life’.
I walked in to see a counsellor not knowing what to expect, but I knew I needed help. As long as I knew this I knew I would eventually get better. A year and a half later and after several more binges I was advised to go to Northlands for six weeks’ residential treatment. During treatment I learned a lot about myself and I also learned a lot about how to recognise my feelings, why I was feeling a certain way, and also how to deal with this in everyday life. Sounds simple, doesn’t it! Well, the truth is that it isn’t easy -but a lot of it is simple. That, to a lot of recovering alcoholics and indeed addicts, may sound quite arrogant; however, what I mean is that for me I had to learn that the simple things in life and the things that I had taken for granted previously were the places in which true rewards lay.
I left Northlands on 7 June 1996 and I was still only nineteen years old. I remember thinking at times when I was going through treatment that I could keep going until I was thirty and then I could do treatment. Little did I know the quality of life that treatment was going to offer. I have an excellent life and I still love to make people laugh, and I love to entertain either through music or laughter. I also love socialising with my friends, spending real quality time with my family and I also love going out to a bar or a club and listening to a band, or just generally having the craic, dancing or acting the fool. It is an excellent feeling when you know that you are really enjoying yourself and you don’t have a price to pay whether emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. There is no remorse, guilt or embarrassment to deal with on top of a hangover or a come down. In fact there isn’t even that to deal with.
Since I have been in recovery I have gained three third-level qualifications through University; not bad for someone who was told at school that he would never be anything. In fairness it was probably a fair assessment at the time. I have also sung on live TV something that I never would previously had the confidence to do. I have won various talent shows and one in particular where the prize was to go to Hollywood in USA for two weeks. Up until I was in treatment I hadn’t even been to Holywood in Bangor! I have also gained a good career for myself in Youth Work; I have met so many fantastic, genuine and real friends during this, and these people have changed my life for the better. I put a great emphasis now in my life on the relationships I have with my family and friends. These are the things that have brought me most happiness in my life and I am very grateful for that.
I have left the best to last; on the 22 July 2003 my first child was born, a beautiful baby girl, Alex. I can’t describe the feeling I had the first time I held Alex in my arms but if heaven is anything like that experience then I can’t wait to go. Alex has brought so much joy to my life that I really couldn’t describe. As a father I am very proud not only of Alex but also of how well I am able to manage our relationship. I think that if I hadn’t gone into treatment this never would have been possible. When Alex and I spend quality time together I can really feel the bond between us and it is really special. I am really grateful that I have had the opportunity to experience this in my life.
Looking back, I am really glad that I didn’t wait till I was thirty before making the decision to go into recovery.
This past ten years has been absolutely fantastic and I am so grateful to Northlands and all that it has given me. I am also proud of the things that I have achieved and I hope there is lots more to come. In closing I would also like to thank God for the gift of life and the freedom to live it.
‘Living is what the rest of the world was doing whenever you were drinking.’
You wouldn’t be on your own if you thought some famous philosopher said that, but you would be wrong, because it was my mother that said it to me the day I came out of treatment; from then on I have the ‘TIME OF MY LIFE.’
I walked in to see a counsellor not knowing what to expect, but I knew I needed help. As long as I knew this I knew I would eventually get better. A year and a half later and after several more binges I was advised to go to Northlands for six weeks’ residential treatment. During treatment I learned a lot about myself and I also learned a lot about how to recognise my feelings, why I was feeling a certain way, and also how to deal with this in everyday life. Sounds simple, doesn’t it! Well, the truth is that it isn’t easy -but a lot of it is simple. That, to a lot of recovering alcoholics and indeed addicts, may sound quite arrogant; however, what I mean is that for me I had to learn that the simple things in life and the things that I had taken for granted previously were the places in which true rewards lay.
I left Northlands on 7 June 1996 and I was still only nineteen years old. I remember thinking at times when I was going through treatment that I could keep going until I was thirty and then I could do treatment. Little did I know the quality of life that treatment was going to offer. I have an excellent life and I still love to make people laugh, and I love to entertain either through music or laughter. I also love socialising with my friends, spending real quality time with my family and I also love going out to a bar or a club and listening to a band, or just generally having the craic, dancing or acting the fool. It is an excellent feeling when you know that you are really enjoying yourself and you don’t have a price to pay whether emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. There is no remorse, guilt or embarrassment to deal with on top of a hangover or a come down. In fact there isn’t even that to deal with.
Since I have been in recovery I have gained three third-level qualifications through University; not bad for someone who was told at school that he would never be anything. In fairness it was probably a fair assessment at the time. I have also sung on live TV something that I never would previously had the confidence to do. I have won various talent shows and one in particular where the prize was to go to Hollywood in USA for two weeks. Up until I was in treatment I hadn’t even been to Holywood in Bangor! I have also gained a good career for myself in Youth Work; I have met so many fantastic, genuine and real friends during this, and these people have changed my life for the better. I put a great emphasis now in my life on the relationships I have with my family and friends. These are the things that have brought me most happiness in my life and I am very grateful for that.
I have left the best to last; on the 22 July 2003 my first child was born, a beautiful baby girl, Alex. I can’t describe the feeling I had the first time I held Alex in my arms but if heaven is anything like that experience then I can’t wait to go. Alex has brought so much joy to my life that I really couldn’t describe. As a father I am very proud not only of Alex but also of how well I am able to manage our relationship. I think that if I hadn’t gone into treatment this never would have been possible. When Alex and I spend quality time together I can really feel the bond between us and it is really special. I am really grateful that I have had the opportunity to experience this in my life.
Looking back, I am really glad that I didn’t wait till I was thirty before making the decision to go into recovery.
This past ten years has been absolutely fantastic and I am so grateful to Northlands and all that it has given me. I am also proud of the things that I have achieved and I hope there is lots more to come. In closing I would also like to thank God for the gift of life and the freedom to live it.
‘Living is what the rest of the world was doing whenever you were drinking.’
You wouldn’t be on your own if you thought some famous philosopher said that, but you would be wrong, because it was my mother that said it to me the day I came out of treatment; from then on I have the ‘TIME OF MY LIFE.’